There is no single right answer to this, and anyone who tells you there is has not spoken to enough couples. The old rule that the ring must be a complete surprise is genuinely fading. Recent research put a name to it, "quiet proposing", and found that more than half of couples now choose the ring together rather than keeping it a secret. Around one in five still shop alone, and plenty bring a parent, a sibling or a close friend along instead.
What matters is that none of these is more romantic than the others. Choosing together has not replaced the surprise so much as sat down beside it. So here is how to think it through, drawn from the range of couples we see, so you can pick the version that fits your relationship rather than a tradition that may not.
Why more couples are choosing together now
The shift makes sense when you look at what an engagement ring actually is. It is a significant amount of money and a piece the wearer keeps for life, so guessing on both taste and fit is a lot to carry alone. Choosing together removes that risk and takes real pressure off the person who would otherwise be deciding in secret.
There is a generational thread too. Many couples now value talking the big decisions through openly, and picking the ring together is part of that rather than an exception to it. It has also become far easier to design something bespoke, so couples who want a ring that is truly theirs increasingly want a hand in shaping it. The result is a proposal process that feels collaborative rather than staged, and for a lot of people that is the more meaningful version.
The case for keeping it a surprise
For some people the surprise is the whole point. The moment of not knowing, then seeing the ring for the first time, is a memory they want to keep intact, and there is nothing outdated about wanting that.
If that is you, the safest route is to learn your partner's taste quietly rather than guess. Notice the jewellery they already reach for. Metal tone alone tells you a great deal, because someone who wears warm yellow gold every day rarely wants a cool white metal on their hand forever. Pay attention to whether they lean simple or detailed, delicate or bold. And there is no shame in recruiting a trusted friend or family member, which is exactly what many people quietly do.
The middle path most couples take now: the planned surprise
Here is what we see most often, and it tends to give people the best of both worlds. The couple agrees together that marriage is where they are heading, and they settle the broad direction of the ring, the shape, the metal, roughly the style. Then the specific ring, and the moment it is given, stays a genuine surprise.
The surprise simply moves. It comes from the timing and the setting of the proposal rather than from the ring being a mystery. Your partner still gets the thrill of not knowing when or how, and you get to skip the anxiety of guessing what they will wear for the rest of their life. Many people find this is the version that actually suits them once they stop thinking of surprise and involvement as opposites.
The placeholder ring route
There is one more option worth knowing, because it solves the tension neatly. You propose with a temporary or placeholder ring, sometimes a simple setting, sometimes a family heirloom, and then design the real piece together afterwards.
This keeps the proposal completely spontaneous while making sure the ring your partner wears for life is one they had a hand in choosing. It works particularly well if you want a bespoke design, since the two of you can shape it properly without any pressure of secrecy, and the proposal itself loses none of its surprise. For couples who love the idea of a custom ring but do not want to sacrifice the moment, this is often the answer.
How to handle ring size without giving it away
Size is the practical worry, and it is easy to solve if you are keeping things a surprise.
Borrow a ring your partner already wears on the relevant hand and bring it to us, or trace the inside circle of it on paper. A close friend or family member may simply know their size. And if it turns out slightly off, it is not worth losing sleep over. Resizing is part of our Ever After Warranty, so a ring that arrives a little loose or snug can be adjusted afterwards for a comfortable fit. The size is the most fixable part of the whole decision.
What a consultation looks like, either way
Whether you come as a couple or on your own, a consultation with us is a conversation rather than a sales pitch. If you are together, we let both of you try styles on and react honestly, and we talk through how each option will suit daily life. If you are on your own, we help you read the clues you already have, from the jewellery your partner wears to the way they describe things they like, so you leave feeling far more confident than when you arrived.
Nobody is asked to decide anything on the day. If you would like to talk it through in person, our showroom is at 35 Frederick Street in Birmingham's Jewellery Quarter, and you can book a consultation whenever you are ready. Bring your partner, bring a friend, or come alone. Any of those is welcome.